on the eve of NaNo 2020

Normally by this time of the night on the 31st of October, I’m feeling those excited, pre-NaNo feelings, the ones like I just can’t wait to get started working on my project for the month ahead. I think I’m feeling something like that tonight, but I can’t lie — I’m feeling… nervous, too? Or maybe nervous isn’t the right word — I think I’m feeling tired already.

October was a surprisingly difficult month for me creatively — I worked a little on my new project, sure, but I feel like I spent month of the month just staring at my computer screen, begging the words to come. They did, a little bit, but they definitely stopped coming over the last week or so.

I don’t think I’m saying anything groundbreaking when I say that the stress of the election is getting to me.

Between that and ~depression~, it’s been hard to show up.

I’ve been trying to just let myself do other things — I read, I spent a lot of time practising French, I baked (and made fudge), I ran and did yoga and went on walks. I sat on the back porch and just felt the cold air. I dabbled in watercolour (are they great? No. Do I love them anyway? Yes). I’ve been doing other things, anything to get my mind out of the funk and back on track, but nothing has really worked and the guilt I’ve been feeling for not writing has been almost unbearable.

Or, alright, that’s dramatic, but it certainly hasn’t been pleasant. The guilt.

So I’m twisted up this evening. I’m excited at the prospect of having a month to get myself back on the horse, but I’m also incredibly nervous at a month centred on producing a whole draft of something. I’m scared I’m going to sit down at my computer tomorrow and find my mind as blank as it’s been for the last basically fortnight. I know that there’s nothing I can do to keep that from happening, but I really, really hope it doesn’t happen.

Which is probably the exact kind of vaguely paranoid energy I shouldn’t be bringing into NaNoWriMo, but it’s the energy I’m carrying all the same.

So here’s the deal for the month — I’m going to sit down at my computer every day, and I’m going to do my absolute best. I’m going to aim for 2,000 words a day (that’s what I’m usually aiming for), but if I fall a little short, that’s okay. I’m saying it to convince myself, so I’m going to repeat it — it’s okay. I’m working on the draft that I started this month — the Gym Rivals project — and I’m hoping that I can actually manage to finish the entire draft in November.

I’m going to pop on here each day with a little update on how things went and — because I think it’ll be nice to give myself a little something else to think about — a picture that says something about the day. The most exciting NaNo plan? No. But it’s my NaNo plan.

So! Starting word count: 25772

And I’ll see you tomorrow x

2 responses to “on the eve of NaNo 2020”

  1. I’ve been feeling a little weird too! My energy has definitely been off the last few days, but I ended up starting a brand new project that I wasn’t intending to and it helped get my writing juice flowing. I’m now excited to see how this month ends up.

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